NFL Tax Write-offs: Tebow, Decker and Leaf

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Associated Press

“You don’t even know what a write-off is.” – Jerry

 “Do you?” – Kramer

“No, I don’t.” – Jerry

This is why I always think of Seinfeld when it comes to write-offs. But Kramer was on to something when he said you should just write it off. With this being tax day in the United States, the cheaters in all of us are trying to find any sort of loopholes to “write it off.” This country was founded by a bunch of dudes who hated paying taxes.

And seriously, if anybody out there knows exactly what a write-off is, please send me a line.

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Buffalo Bills:

Buffalo wings and (local beers) are not a write-off, yet. But put any petition in front of me and I’ll sign it.

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Miami Dolphins:

People have been able to write off their pets for years. So the Miami Dolphins are implored to bring back Flipper and put him in the end zone.

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New York Jets:

Did you know you can write off babysitting as long as you are doing charitable work? However, New York Jets, you cannot write off your babysitting of Tim Tebow, no matter how much charity work he does.

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New England Patriots:

If you turn in your Patriots sweatshirt to the Salvation Army, Goodwill or any other charitable organization, your value is $5. However, there is no value to sweatshirts with the sleeves cut off. Nice try, Mr. Belichick.

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Baltimore Ravens:

Non-monetary charitable goods are always deductible. So the Ravens should be able to write off all of those free agents they lost this year. Wow, that Paul Kruger deal should be really valuable.

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Cincinnati Bengals:

Sorry, you can no longer count Chad Johnson as a dependent any more.

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Cleveland Browns:

And like the Dolphins, the Dog Pound is a tax deduction. You can even write off the dog biscuits.

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Pittsburgh Steeler:

You cannot deduct the cost of cleaning your work clothes as long as you can still use the garments for everyday wear. That means most football jerseys could fall into this category. They are a fashion statement and many people wear them off the football field. However, the Steelers’ bumble bee jerseys are not suitable for wear anywhere, so the cost to clean those uniforms is acceptable. And if you burned those unis? Well, that would probably count as a charitable deduction as well.

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Houston Texans:

Whatever cost incurred for this:  you can write it off.

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Indianapolis Colts:

No, you can’t write off trips to Steak-n-Shake. Rex Ryan tried this after the NFL Scouting Combine.

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Jacksonville Jaguars:

The tarps around the upper decks are actually a write-off for home improvements. Go ahead and deduct the costs.

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Tennessee Titans:

There are casualty loss deductions, but we’re not sure if Chris Johnson’s statistical output since he redid his contract counts.

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Denver Broncos:

Hey Eric Decker, you can’t write off your expenses at the Manning Passing Academy, even if you do have a receipt.

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Kansas City Chiefs:

All tailgating equipment is not considered a write-off, but it is still appreciated by those who enjoy a good pre-party for the game.

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Oakland Raiders:

Raiders fans cannot write off their Halloween costumes as a business expense. But you could reason that any money paid for season tickets would count as a charitable donation.

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San Diego Chargers:

If you’re still taking Xanax because of the Ryan Leaf era, good news, you can totally write that off.

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Dallas Cowboys:

If you make your home energy efficient, you can totally write that off. So I guess if the Cowboys open the roof that has to count, right?

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New York Giants:

Good news, because you and the Jets split the cost for MetLife Stadium, only one of you can claim the mortgage as a write-off.

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Philadelphia Eagles:

You can write off investments, even the highly risky ones. So that’s good news for Chip Kelly’s salary, right? Because that’s a risky investment.

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Washington Redskins:

I’m not sure the Redskins will be able to write off an upgrade to the FedEx Field turf. But they should just eat the expense and do it anyway.

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Chicago Bears:

The retirement tax credit provided incentives for people to save for life after their careers. Let’s hope Brian Urlacher took advantage of this because retirement could be upon him before he would have thought.

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Detroit Lions:

You can write off deductions for refinancing. Good news since it’s time to rework (or refinance) Matthew Stafford’s deal.

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Green Bay Packers:

A lot of Packers photographers have tried to pick up “photo bomb insurance.” But don’t you dare try to deduct it from your taxes.

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Minnesota Vikings:

Good news, your deductible for surgery is completely deductible. So that’s good news for Adrian Peterson. However, if Ragnar has ever considered hair transplants, that is clearly not deductible. (Don’t ask me how I know this, just trust me.)

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Atlanta Falcons:

Home improvements, like a new stadium in Atlanta, is considered a write-off. And if you get the supplies at Home Depot, well, that should keep the boss happy.

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Carolina Panthers:

The kid from the Play 60 commercial warming up his arm to take over for Cam Newton, he’s not a dependent.

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New Orleans Saints:

Wait, does Sean Payton even need to fill up a W2 for being suspended without pay last season? How does that work?

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Tampa Bay Buccaneers:

All of the booty confiscated in that pirate ship had better be accounted for as capital gains, guys!

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Arizona Cardinals:

Did you know you can write off security as a business expense? So you could probably reason that your offensive line can be a security expense. Well, not you, Arizona. You nearly got your quarterbacks destroyed last year.

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St. Louis Rams:

Your moving expenses to Los Angeles? Covered.

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San Francisco 49ers:

You can’t deduct the costs of looking for a new job. But costs associated with looking for a new position in your present occupation, including fees for resume preparation and employment of outplacement agencies, are deductible as long as you itemize. That means Nnamdi Asomugha can write-off these costs.

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Seattle Seahawks:

Over-the-counter cold medicines and other remedies are not deductible. But some prescription medications are. So that should be good for half of the league, right?

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Follow Adam Rank on Twitter @adamrank.

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