Few things can be as precious as a road trip with your mom. As the film The Guilt Trip bows in theaters Friday, I started thinking about what a road trip with my mom would have felt like. Mainly, it would have been her sleeping and pointing out things on hills. But then I thought of a better road trip. A much better one – with three people instead of two. And how would that conversation between them go?
GREG MCELROY: (Buckling his seat-belt in the driver’s seat and starting the car) Okay, here we go. Thanks for switching with me after that rest stop, Mark. I’m so glad to come all the way up here from the back seat.
MARK SANCHEZ: (From the back seat) Go home, rookie.
MCELROY: I’m not a rookie.
SANCHEZ: Can’t this car go any faster? What are you doing like 25 miles an hour? We’re on the highway!
MCELROY: We’ll still get there being slow and steady. What, you want me to be like you? Go 75 but drive all over the place, hitting road signs and missing exits?
TIM TEBOW: (From the passenger seat) If it was Brandon Moore’s rear-end he wouldn’t have missed it. Hah! I made a funny, guys!
MCELROY: Nice one, Tim. You’ll be knocking ’em dead in the CFL next year.
SANCHEZ: This is not happening.
MCELROY: Where are we headed, anyway?
MCELROY: Why there?
SANCHEZ: It’s a new exchange program like in high school. The Cardinals get us, the Jets get Kolb and Skelton.
TEBOW: Yeech. I’d rather be in Jacksonville.
SANCHEZ: Hey, I could be there next year, too. We could be teammates again.
TEBOW: I need that like I need Sparano calling plays.
MCELROY: Can we talk about me for a second? I’m only auditioning to be the backup next season. How futile is that?
SANCHEZ: Don’t worry. The Jets will get Vick and you’ll be starting by Week 5.
TEBOW: If there’s going to be an opening in Philadelphia I should call my agent. I know how to hand off to LeSean McCoy.
SANCHEZ: You want to go to the Eagles? Geez, game day fans in Philadelphia make New York fans look like a crowd at a luau.
MCELROY: You’ve been to Hawaii, Mark?
TEBOW: Of course not. That’s where the Pro Bowl is. Hah!
SANCHEZ: Know what guys? Why don’t you let me drive the rest of the way?
TEBOW: Like how all the quarterbacks in the 2009 draft would have given you the keys to drive the car if they were all in it? I remember that quote.
MCELROY: Stafford and Freeman would make you ride in the trunk now.
SANCHEZ: I miss 2009.
TEBOW: Me too. You know, that’s when I won my second national title with Florida, where I also won the Heisman. Did you know they built a statue of me?
MCELROY: Mark, they could put one up of you in New York to commemorate your career.
SANCHEZ: Know what, rookie? You should retire now. You’ll go down as the 2nd best Jets quarterback besides Namath.
MCELROY: I’m not a rookie! Namath who?
TEBOW: Seriously? He only went to your school and won the Super Bowl with the Jets!
MCELROY: What year?
MCELROY: Oh, cool. That’s the year my dad was born.
SANCHEZ: This really is not happening.
TEBOW: That’s what Kyle Orton said last season, too.
SANCHEZ: You know what? Why don’t we ride in silence the rest of the way.
MCELROY: You mean like our locker room after Monday’s game?
TEBOW: Only if I get to play the radio.
TEBOW: Cool. I just found ‘Leaving On A Jet Plane.’
– Jason Smith
Jason Smith hosts NFL Fantasy Live on the NFL Network and writes fantasy and other pith for nfl.com. Talk to him on Twitter @howaboutafresca, and listen to his Fantasy Podcast with Michael Fabiano and Elliot Harrison every week on nfl.com. He only asks you never bring up when the Jets play poorly.