Gatorade tests prove RG3 has nothing on me

INDIANAPOLIS — Big-time athletes such as Heisman Trophy winner Robert Griffin III will undergo testing by the Gatorade Sports Science Institute this week. It will be one of the few things they have in common with me.

Adam Rank gets ready for liftoff ... or Gatorade's sports science test.
(Geoff Talley/NFL)

That’s right. Yours truly was a test subject of Gatorade, which will perform the testing in front of fans during Super Bowl week as they wait to enter Radio Row. The tests measure body composition, aerobic performance, reaction time and motor skills and hand-grip strength.

And let’s address the elephant in the room — literally. I knew I wouldn’t rate well in body composition. And I didn’t. I was surprised I could fit in the pod pictured to the right. I looked like one of those monkeys sent into space during the 1960s. Well, except when I was parading around in a pair of compression shorts, cutting a similar figure to Dusty Rhodes during his WWF run.

So yes, I tested below average there, though the room generally was surprised with my performance in the mile-long run. Not my speed or form, but the fact I actually was able to complete it without falling over.

I redeemed myself in the ISpan contraption, a skeleton which resembled an empty soccer goal adorned with lights at various levels for you to go and smack whenever lit up. My scores here were average, which is pretty good considering my considerable carriage and the fact they wouldn’t let me hit the bottom lights with my feet as I did during the practice round.

I did rather well with the hand-grip test, rating above average. Not a surprise because one of my hobbies is crushing aluminum cans with my hands.

The true redemption for me came during the eye-hand coordination and reaction-time test. This contraption resembled a dartboard with various lights set up in rings that stretched out accordingly. There was a digital display with four digits that you needed to read while trying to catch the light sequence. In a way, it was similar to playing Simon, combined with an eye test. And this is where I was off the charts.

The average hits: 47.9. Your hero had 63. The hit-to-miss percentage was 64 percent. Yours truly: 78 percent. See, playing endless amounts of video games is beneficial.

I don’t want to put this into RG3’s head as he gets ready to take his test, but he really has something to shoot for this week.

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