NFL stadiums roll out enhanced pat-down protocol

Great news for fans who like being touched by strangers in yellow jackets: Security protocol at NFL stadiums is about to become more intimate!

USA Today reported Thursday that security guards across the country are implementing new “enhanced” pat-down procedures this season. Gone are the salad days when a fan going to watch a football game was merely felt up from the waist and above. Now they will receive the full-body treatment, starting at the ankles.

The plan was for teams to implement the enhanced searches for Week 1, according to NFL spokesman Brian McCarthy. The league hopes fans will get to the stadium earlier to avoid punishing lines.

“The enhanced security procedures recommended by our office before the start of the season will further increase the safety of fans but will require some additional time,” McCarthy said in a statement Thursday. “We encourage fans to come early, enjoy their tailgating tradition, and be patient as they enter the stadium.”

Of course, this is all for the greater good, and well worth a safe stadium experience for the 16.6 million fans expected to attend regular-season NFL games this season. So as long as there are awful terrorists and guys like this, we the people must endure.

– Dan Hanzus

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